When Thanksgiving Doesn’t Feel Thankful: Navigating Grief During the Holidays
As my family and I plan our Thanksgiving gathering, I find myself grappling with the bittersweet reality that comes with supporting grieving families who are struggling to feel thankful—and, truthfully, I can understand why. Admittedly, I struggle with being grateful at times too. While Thanksgiving is meant to be a time for connection and gratitude, grief doesn’t always leave room for that. The idea of feeling thankful when your heart is heavy with loss can feel nearly impossible.
This hits close to home for me, both personally and professionally. I’ve seen how grief can cast a shadow over even the brightest of holidays, making it difficult to engage in the festivities or feel part of the joy around us. So, if you’re in a place where the idea of celebrating feels like too much, I want you to know that you’re not alone and what you choose to do is okay. There is no right way, and there is no wrong way.
Grief During Thanksgiving: It’s Okay Not to Feel Thankful
The expectation to feel thankful during Thanksgiving can weigh heavily on anyone grieving. Our culture often tells us that we should “move on” or be “grateful for what we have.” But as I’ve learned through my own experiences and in supporting clients, grief doesn’t operate on a schedule. Whether you’ve recently lost a loved one, faced a non-death loss, or are navigating a life transition, your feelings—whatever they are—are entirely valid.
Why Thanksgiving Can Be Especially Hard
Thanksgiving traditions are centred around family, togetherness, and reflection. For those of us grieving, these very traditions can amplify the absence of a loved one or the loss of what once was. The empty seat at the table or memories of happier, simpler times can deepen the ache.
Personally, I’ve found that even the smaller moments can trigger grief—whether it’s a family recipe that reminds you of someone who’s no longer there or the thought of celebrating while your world feels different. Feeling disconnected from others is not only normal but also a common experience, especially when you’re expected to smile and be thankful. For many grieving people, social gatherings can bring discomfort, anxiety, and a sense of being “out of sync” with the joy others seem to feel. If you’re struggling with Thanksgiving and grief, know that you’re not alone.
Honouring Your Grief During Thanksgiving
Instead of pushing yourself to feel grateful, I encourage you to honour your grief in whatever way feels right to you. And when you’re struggling to be thankful, self-compassion becomes even more important. It’s about acknowledging your feelings without judgment and giving yourself grace during these difficult times.Here are a few strategies I often share with the people I support:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Grief stirs up all kinds of emotions—sadness, anger, even relief. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up without judgment. There’s no rule that says you have to force yourself to be thankful when you’re hurting. It’s okay to be sad, angry, or confused during this time. Recognizing these feelings is the first step towards healing.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to grieve. Understand that it’s normal not to feel thankful, and practicing self-compassion can help you cope with these emotions more effectively.
- Set Boundaries: If certain holiday traditions or large gatherings feel overwhelming, it’s okay to say no. Your mental and emotional well-being is important. Let your family or friends know what you need, and give yourself permission to decline activities that feel too much.
- Create New Traditions: You don’t have to stick to old traditions if they don’t feel meaningful or comfortable this year. Instead, consider new rituals that acknowledge your grief. Whether it’s lighting a candle for your loved one, journaling about your feelings, or simply taking quiet time for yourself, these small acts can bring comfort. And you can always change this next year.
- Reach Out for Support: Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Whether it’s talking to a close friend or family member or connecting with a grief counsellor, support is out there. If you’re seeking grief counselling in London, Ontario or virtual grief counselling, there are resources available. At *Inner Sojourn*, I offer grief counselling to help people navigate challenging times like Thanksgiving, providing a space to process loss and learn healthy coping strategies.
Grief is complex, and navigating it requires support and self-compassion. If you’re struggling with finding ways to cope, I recommend exploring the resources at What’s Your Grief, which offers practical tools and advice on handling loss. Additionally, understanding and practicing self-compassion can help you be gentler with yourself during this time. Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion provides research-based insights and exercises to foster kindness towards yourself, even when you’re feeling overwhelmed by grief.
Grief in Different Contexts: Navigating Thanksgiving Through Various Losses
When we think of grief, we often associate it primarily with the death of a loved one. However, grief can manifest from many forms of loss, each impacting how individuals experience holidays like Thanksgiving. Understanding these different contexts can help broaden our perspective on grief and offer insights into how to navigate the emotional landscape during the holiday season.
- Loss of a Loved One: The most recognized form of grief is through the death of a family member or friend. During Thanksgiving, the absence of that loved one can be profoundly felt. Their favourite chair might remain empty, and their absence can be a constant reminder of what it once was. This grief may evoke intense emotions, making it difficult to engage in traditional festivities.
- Divorce or Separation: Grief can also stem from the end of a relationship, such as divorce or separation. During Thanksgiving, individuals may feel a deep sense of loss as they navigate a shift in family dynamics. They may miss the companionship that came with their partner or feel sadness over the absence of shared traditions. The idea of celebrating alone can amplify feelings of isolation and longing.
- Loss of a Job or Career Transition: Experiencing job loss or a significant career change can also bring about grief. This type of loss can create feelings of uncertainty and insecurity, making it challenging to feel thankful during a holiday focused on abundance. As Thanksgiving approaches, individuals facing job-related grief may find it difficult to join in the festivities when they’re grappling with financial stress or identity shifts.
- Loss of Health or Mobility: Chronic illness or loss of mobility can fundamentally alter one’s lifestyle and how they celebrate holidays. For those facing health challenges, Thanksgiving may become a reminder of what they can no longer do or enjoy. Feelings of frustration or sadness might arise, making it hard to participate in holiday traditions that once brought joy.
- Loss of a Home or Sense of Security: For some, loss can extend to their living situation, whether through eviction, foreclosure, or displacement due to unforeseen circumstances. This loss of home can evoke a profound sense of grief, especially during a holiday that emphasizes family and togetherness. Thanksgiving might serve as a painful reminder of their current situation, intensifying feelings of loss.
Gratitude Can Look Different When You’re Grieving
Thanksgiving is typically about gratitude for the “big” things, but grief often shifts our perspective. Instead of celebrating abundance, maybe this year, gratitude shifts, and self-compassion takes center stage. Grief doesn’t cancel out gratitude; it just reframes it in ways we don’t always expect, offering us new ways to find comfort and hope. It might look like finding small moments of kindness toward yourself—whether it’s taking a peaceful walk, having a gentle conversation, a comforting meal, a supportive conversation, or simply allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions arise. For more ways to navigate grief during challenging times like Thanksgiving, you can explore additional resources here.
Finding Strength in Self-Compassion
Be compassionate with yourself, whether you choose to take part in the holiday or decide to spend time reflecting alone. There is no ‘right’ way to approach this season, and you don’t need to meet anyone’s expectations—including your own. Your feelings and choices are valid, and self-compassion can be a powerful tool in navigating the complexities of grief. For more ways to navigate grief during challenging times like Thanksgiving, you can explore additional resources here.
As we navigate this holiday season, it’s essential to remember that when you’re struggling to be thankful, self-compassion becomes even more vital. Allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings without judgment and extend grace to yourself during these difficult times. Embracing self-compassion can help you find comfort in the chaos and create space for your grief. Know that it’s okay to experience your emotions fully and that support is available as you journey through this season of reflection and remembrance.
If you’re looking for support as you navigate grief, Inner Sojourn offers in-person and virtual grief counselling to help you process your loss and find your way through these difficult times. You don’t have to go through this alone—there is a way forward, and I’m here to walk with you. Visit Inner Sojourn for more information.